Motherhood is a wild, scary, beautiful ride. I think growing up I always knew I was going to be a mom but I really had NO IDEA what that actually meant other than giving birth. There is so much more to motherhood and I am not sure we can ever truly be ‘ready’ for it.

But, there are a few things I wish my mom had prepared me for when it comes to motherhood. Here are 5 things I wish I had known going into motherhood:

5 Things I Wish My Mom Had Told Me

1.The Nightmares and Constant Worry

The worry that comes along with motherhood is crippling at times. Every time Miller starts running I am fearful she will fall. Every time Callen goes to sleep at night I think ‘what if he doesn’t wake up?’ As if these day to day worries aren’t enough, I constantly have nightmares. In these nightmares something bad happens to the kids, or to Troy, or to myself and they always feel so real.

We let the kids be kids, but there is still all this worry that I try my hardest not to let them all see.

2.The Emotional Roller Coaster

When you first bring that baby home it is hard. Like really hard. Your hormones are CRAZY and you just feel everything all at once. That, on top of zero sleep, can really get to your emotions.

Once your babies grow up the crying doesn’t stop. Sometimes I just look at them and cry. Sometimes Miller will do something and be so proud of herself and it makes me cry just seeing her so proud. I will just lay on Callen’s play mat with him and squeeze him and cry thinking about him growing up.

You will have hard days and amazing days and they will all bring you the same tears.

The love you have for them is crazy fierce and something you would never in your wildest dreams believe was possible. Like your heart aches when you look at them. Motherhood is a very emotional journey.

3.The Loss of Identity

I am no longer Amanda. I am Mommy. I have these tiny humans now and their world revolves around me and my world revolves around them. Selfishness turns into selflessness and you become exactly what they need.

Don’t get me wrong. Mommy is exactly who I want to be for the rest of my life. It is just crazy how I can hardly remember ‘Amanda’ and who she was before Troy, Miller, and Callen. Maybe I would have tried to hold on to some of the parts I really loved about her, and maybe I already brought some of them with me. Who knows because right now I am Mommy first, Wife second, and Amanda third. My life is all about being everything for the people that need me.

4.How Fast it All Goes

Yes, you always hear the ‘they grow up so fast’ cliche. I wish I had sat down with my mom and talked about what that really means. Like what that actually feels like. Before kids I thought, ‘But don’t you want them to grow up?’ Uh no, you don’t!

After Miller I learned everything is a stage, and every single stage is precious. Because even if it was hard, when it is over it means they are older and have grown out of ‘that stage’.

Miller is now 2.5 and talking up a storm and becoming a little person and it is SO HARD TO TAKE. I can’t handle it. As proud as I am of her, I also want her to go back to the day she started walking. I want to hear her baby giggles again.

With Callen I just lay next to him on the ground and smell him and watch his every move and just try to be as present as possible. When he grows out of the baby stage it will break my heart.

There is no stopping it, but I have definitely learned how to be more present in these moments and to NEVER wish for a stage to end. It has taught me to appreciate every second.

5.You Can’t Control Who Your Kids Will Become

So my older sister was a very hard kid and teenager. Disrespectful, didn’t mind, just basically couldn’t be bothered with anything or anyone. It was her way or the highway. I remember when my parents would tell her to go to her room she would sit and kick at the door as hard as she could as long as she could. In middle school our nanny pulled over on the side of the road and told her to walk home.

When I got older I started to think about the person she was during that time. I thought ‘my parents are amazing parents, why was she like that?’

*PS- my sis grew out of it when she left the house for college and now is the most amazing mother with a heart of gold!

I got the answer once I had my own kids. They are born with their own personality. I think I thought from the moment they were born I could start to mold them into becoming the people I wanted them to be. It doesn’t work like that.

For example: Miller is extremely empathetic and a little scaredy cat. Pretty much exactly how I was as a kid, but I have done NOTHING since she was born to make her that way. That is just how she is and we love her for exactly who she is. I cannot wait to see who Callen is once he gets older.

As parents we can only hope to guide them to becoming kind people and teach them the principles we believe in and live by. As for the rest of it, it is out of our control.

At the end of the day, how you really learn to be a mother is by being a mother. My mom may have told me these things but I still wouldn’t have been prepared. What would you add to this list? Let me know in a comment below!

xox Amanda

To see more like this, head here: A LETTER TO MY 20 SOMETHING SELF